Grief: The Unspoken Bond That Connects Us All

6 years ago this week, I lost my Dad. It was a horrific set of circumstances – he got sick and ended up hospitalized right when the pandemic hit. We were told he died of a heart attack, not Covid, but honestly, who knows – we weren’t allowed to be there with him. I truly believe if he had gotten sick a year later, he’d still be here now. It was just terrible timing.

Loss sucks. You don’t “get over” losing someone close to you. I still think about my Dad every day. He would have been my first call for everything I’ve had to do with the house so far – he was the handiest guy I know, and every time I’m trying to fix something, I feel like I’m channeling him. My Mom confirmed that he would try to fix everything himself and was bummed any time he had to call in for help.

I knew I wanted to be a Dad at an early age because of him. He was the best. Taught me everything, always supportive, endless love. I model my own fatherhood after him, and my upbringing was so positive and special that I want my boys’ childhood to be even better. Any time I lose my patience when parenting, I’m always like, “damn, my Dad wouldn’t have lost his patience there”. I mean, maybe he did lose his patience occasionally, but I don’t know; he lives on a pedestal now. =)

Unfortunately, I’ve had more than my fair share of unexpected losses in my life. I lost one of my best college friends, Dave, in our 20s. I lost two of my high school crew, Ernie and Dan, in my 30s. In my 40s, I lost a really good friend from my BNI networking group, Walter, then another from my high school crew, Mike, along with my Dad. I’ve also lost aunts, uncles, and a cousin waaayyy before their time over the years. That’s the downside of having a somewhat larger family –  losing loved ones who meant so much to you.

Despite these losses, I remain an optimist, and I really try to learn from these experiences.

When I lost Dave in my 20s, that was a HUGE wakeup call of “hey, this life isn’t guaranteed, you need to make the most of this”. Dave became a bit of a “god” to me after he passed – I would routinely “talk” to him for advice. In his will, he requested that 3 songs be played at his wake, and they still make me tear up to this day. Shelter from the Storm by Bob Dylan, Highway to Hell by AC/DC (Dave had an incredible sense of humor), and Life on Mars? by David Bowie.

The passing of Dave, Ernie, Dan, and Mike made me lean into the relationships I have with the friends who are still here.

When Walter passed, it strengthened the bond I have with my networking group, knowing we all experienced that loss together, and making things feel even more like family there.

With my dad’s passing, my relationship with my Mom has been fortified, and I’ve made it a point to make sure my kids know about their Grandpa Murphy.

I also embraced my relationship with my godfather, Thomas Ryan, and we make a point of grabbing dinner together a few times a year now.

To be clear, I’m not looking for sympathy here. I imagine most of you have also lost people extremely important to you. It’s an unpleasant thing to connect over, but grief is unfortunately something that binds us all – and by all, I mean all human beings, everywhere.

If you’re comfortable sharing, I’d love to hear about the lessons you’ve learned from losses and grief.